Hello, you. I’m Lucian Poll, and I’m both a fan and a writer of dark, speculative fiction.(That’s “Horror” in old money.)
Now don’t run away just yet. You’ll find I’ve nailed your feet to the floorboards. See? Big long nails. Give them a tug. Now that’s workmanship! Look, I even took the time to avoid hammering through the bones in your feet, because I’m nice like that. Just relax, play nice and I’ll fetch my claw hammer at the end of all this.
So, yeah, horror fiction. What does that all mean to you?
Cheerless stories that slosh with ululating oceans of entrails and gore, and stuffed with detailed depictions of prolonged brutal rape? Ah. Sorry, you’ll be wanting splatterpunk – the stuff that all but killed horror as a mainstream genre fifteen to twenty years ago.
How about bloodless tales of sparkling vampires and fairies and impossibly ripped werewolves going at it like knives in ways that, ordinarily, would be considered bestiality? Again, I’ll have to disappoint you. You’ll find all that guff groaning in the shelves of the paranormal romance section – stuff that is all but killing horror as a mainstream genre right now.
No, you’ll find that Mr Poll much prefers to dole out death and terror in new and inventive ways wherever possible.
What was that? Like the Saw films, you say? Now, I really wouldn’t recommend upsetting me with such idiot talk. Don’t get me wrong, the first two were great, but… See? My hand has started to twitch. You did that. I’m afraid to tell you that’s never a good sign. Really afraid.
So what exact flavour of horror tickles Mr Poll’s taste buds, I hear you ask? (Yes you did.) As the strapline of my site attests, I much prefer to mess with minds in more ways than one. To disturb, yes, but so much more! I will thrill you and make you cower with fear. I will line up the most mind-boggling experiences for your delectation.
How? Best you set aside some room in your diary from Friday 13th September 2013. I’ll be sure to hit you with a killer novel of mine called The Floors for your trouble. I’d clear some space on your generic eBook reader now in preparation. All of that Fifty Shades shit can go for a start.
Look, there’s me yakking about my upcoming book and you are still none the wiser about little old me. How rude. So what would you like to know about Lucian Poll? Well, he tends to grump about in Norwich, UK, chiefly at weekends and outside the weekday hours of 9:00am-5:30pm. Sometimes he writes down horrible things, short things or long, and puts them out there for people to read. At all other times, however, he is someone else, who is also a grump.
Hmm? Why am I telling you this? My dear old thing, you didn’t think I’d let you go so soon, did you? I haven’t gotten to my claw hammer yet. Now, now, stop struggling. You’ll only hurt yourself. I’m only teasing you. Ah, here we are. Heavy old brute, this.
Now which side would you like me to attack first? Left temple or right?